Hacker Time! Tom Brady

Tom Brady: Head Actual Size

Common Potential hacking experts have done it again...invading the privacy of another NFL superstar. This time the target again is related to that most hated New England Patriot Squad, Mr. Tom Brady.

CP experts have dug through the hard drive to find two gems that provide amazing insight into the mind of a "genius" quarterback: archived emails from admirer Phil Simms and also Brady's personal workout mix.

The playlist is entitled "Brady Baby". It should be noted all the songs were re-named or edited to feed Brady's ever-starving ego. The iTunes editting certainly demonstrates that Brady can manipulate a computer as well as he can a defense and, quite probably, his self. The playlist is posted here exactly as retrieved from the CPU.

1 R. Kelly - World's Greatest: Tom Brady
2. Right Said Fred - I, Tom Brady, Am Too Sexy
3. Lou Reed - A Gift of Brady
4. Sonics - Maintaining My Cool (Number 12, Dude!)
5. Air - Sexy Boy (with Three, nah Four, Superbowl Rings)
6. Clique - (I Am) Superman (I am Tom Brady)
7. Prince Rakeem - Ooh, I love you Brady
8. Dominoes - Sixty Minute Man (The Tom Brady Story)
9. White Stripes - It's My Fault for Being Famous (Not Really Though)
10. Dropick Murphys - Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced (Cleft Chin Edit)

And now the somewhat disquieting contents of Tom Brady's inbox:


To: tombrady@newenglandpatriots.net
From: philsimms@cbs.net

Dear Tom,
I'm just writing to say thanks for hanging out with me last night. I had a great time. I've never done anything quite like that before and I have to admit that at first I wasn't so sure I wanted to do it, but now I have to tell you that something about it just felt so right... I'm sure I probably sound like a schoolgirl right now, but I think you should that what happened last night was really special to me and I hope we can do it again sometime. Bye bye.
Phil.

To: tbaby@newenglandpatriots.net
From: nastysimms@cbs.net

Hey there,
I was just watching Project Runway and was thinking of how watched reruns and ate ice cream after. I know how you just loooove PR. I am so glad you are comfortable enough with your ample manhood to let loose and watch these kinda shows. Gotta watch something besides game film, right? Anyways, look what I found on youtube. This guy likes you better than me....ha, not. As if. I mean, I'll write you a song if you want. Do you want that? Lemme know.
I'm outtie 500.
Phil-er-up (Hee.)

To: thebestever@newenglandpatriots.net
From: tomismyhero@cbs.net

Hi Tom,
How's it going? Its been a few days since I sent you my last e-mail and I still haven't heard from you. I know you must be busy preparing for this weekend's game, and I bet that Belichick's quite a task master. What an asshole, right? LOL! Anyhow... just send me a note if you have a chance, if it's not too big a deal. I'm waiting to hear from you.
Later, Phil.


To: freakinginvincible@newenglandpatriots.net
From: yourbiggestfan@cbs.net

Hi Tom,
What's up? I loved watching you beat up on the Jets this weekend. Those guys are a bunch of pussies, especially that Mangini fucker. Man-genius? Man-shithead is more like it. LOLOL! Anyhow, I just want you to know that I'm still waiting to hear from you. Last night I was at a hotel in Indy and I had the weirdest feeling that you were about to call me. So I stayed up all the way to sunrise staring at my phone, but you never called. God, I'm such a fool. Why didn't you call Tom? I know you're some bigtime NFL quarterback and shit and I'm just another has-been announcer who's your biggest fan, but I thought we had made a deeper connection. I think we still have it. Maybe you haven't gotten back in touch with me because you're afraid of acknowledging your true feelings. It's okay Tom, we can work things out.
Bye bye, Phil.


To: studmuffin12@newenglandpatriots.net.
From: phillovestom@cbs.net

Dear Tommy,
I have been so upset since I heard people accusing you guys of cheating. I can't believe the arrogance of those fuckers! Who do they think they are! I'm so sorry Tom, here I've only been thinking of myself and now you must be going through such a hard time. I can help you, Tom. If you need me to prove my loyalty I'll do whatever you want. Mangini, Goodell, everyone who doesn't love the Patriots, I could get rid of them for you. If you want me to do it I will. Anyway, just let me know if you need me.
Phil.
P.S. I love you.


To: masteroftheuniverse@newenglandpatriots.net
From: lovesickpuppy@cbs.net

Dear Tom,
It's been a long time since the last note I sent you, and I have to say that things haven't been easy for me. I feel so used and betrayed. Is this what you do? You just wriggle your way into people's hearts with those baby blue eyes, that cleft chin and devastatingly beautiful half-beard, and then destroy them. Does it make you feel good Tom, to just tear somebody's heart and insides out? Why do you get some much joy out of it? Back in my day, when you teabagged a man, you understood that you were making a longterm commitment and wouldn't just toss him on your scrap heap like some fucking conquest. Now I see you can't trust anyone these days.
But it's not too late, Tom. Come back to me, please. I need you. I'm in pain.
Love, Phil.


To: sixfeetfourinchesofmanlyperfection@newenglandpatriots.net
From: iwanttodie@cbs.net

Tom,
You fucking bitch! It's over between us! You had your chances to make this work and you fucking blew it. I know there's someone else. It's Welker, isn't it? You fucking whore! I hate you! I'm going to let everyone know about you! I want you to die!
Phil


To: theringmeister@newenglandpatriots.net
From: brokensoul@cbs.net

Tom,
I'm sorry... I never should have courtesy copied that last message to the Patriots team mailing list. It's just that I was overwrought and confused and upset. I'm sorry, Tom. I need you... Please talk to me.
Forever yours, Phil.


The CP editors would like to apologize for the contents of this piece. However, it is our duty to report the truth, even when the truth is unnatural and nauseating.

17 Indie Rock Bands Sue Spin Magazine for Unauthorized Use in Chainsaw Advertisement.

Coming soon to an indie rock show near you?

It was bound to come to this. After months of idle speculation and indiscriminate bloodshed, a lawsuit has been filed against Spin Magazine on behalf of 17 indie rock bands who have objected to their use in connection with multi-page foldout advertisement for the formerly obscure chainsaw manufacturer Minnesota Jack. The chainsaw company will face a newly formed conglomerate of independent rock bands (including prominent bands such as Spoon, Deerhoof, Jens Lenkman, Feist, and the Mountain Goats) in civil action court in May of 2008. But by now, the impact of the chainsaw ad is far-reaching.

According to John Funkelstein, a marketing executive at Minnesota Jack, the ad, which featured images of chainsaw wielding hipsters interspersed with random photos of some of the biggest acts in indie rock today, was designed to brand his company's product as the "new must have hipster accessory." By all accounts, the strategy has worked brilliantly, as Minnesota Jack's sales have skyrocketed and the dissonant buzz of active chainsaws has become unavoidable in any city a significant indie rock scene.



An indie rock fan from Minneapolis, Minnesota, explained the phenomenon to Common Potential: "I make my living as a lumberjack, and when I saw the advertisement in Spin I figured I'd give Minnesota Jack a try. I mean, if Spoon thinks they're cool, they must be great chainsaws right? WRONG! They fucking suck! I was kind of pissed off at first, but then I thought, hey, maybe I'm missing the point here. Maybe, I'm not supposed to cut down trees with these things. Maybe I should just take the chainsaw to the next show I go to. So I took it to a Sufjan Stevens gig, and man, it was a huge hit. It really got me some attention, especially with the ladies. Chicks dig the chainsaw, plain and simple. I'm sure all the shrieking and running away was just them playing hard to get; you know how bitches are."

Not everyone in the indie rock community, however, was enthusiastic about their association with the advertisement. Sam Beam of Iron and Wine, recently went on record to voice his displeasure, saying, "It's starting to get really annoying. Every time we play now, the same thing happens. We start off great, hitting all the notes, creating a nice intimate atmosphere, people enjoying the music and admiring my awesome man-beard, and then some fucker fires up a chainsaw and everything goes to shit, nobody can hear anything I'm singing, people start getting mutilated. It's awful!"

Nevertheless, there are some indie rock stars who have been willing to embrace the chainsaw fad. The Decemberists recently released a seventy-seven minute, twenty-song prog-rock opera entitled "The Chainsaw Lord Hath Said, 'Farewell to Thy Limbs,'" as part of the Rock for the Mutilated charity disc series. In a press release announcing the new album lead singer Colin Meloy stated, "The new Decemberists album serveth a most noble twofold function. Firstly, it garnereth bounty for the service and solace of those whose appendages hath been claimed by the rusty, unoiled deathblades wielded throughout the indie rock clubs of the land. Secondly, it easeth the suffering and toil of those so harmed via the soothing auditory pleasures of a badass folk-prog operetta."

Only time will tell if the carnage wreaking havoc on the hipster scene will have a permanently detrimental effect. We guess, not.

Utah Signs Steely Dan to Create Perfect Jazz-Rock Team

The New Utah Jazz starting five: Boozer(F), Kirilenko(F), Fagen(G), Becker(G), & Okur(C)

Utah Jazz GM Kevin O'Connor made waves throughout the National Basketball Association this afternoon by announcing that Steely Dan has just been signed to two-year deal. Though specific details of the acquisition are yet to be announced, it is believed this is one of the largest contracts a rock ensemble has received from a professional sports team to date. "We believe that with Walter and Donald in the back court, we have a real shot at making a run in the playoffs this year", said O'Connor. "Now we feel we have the best Jazz-Rock combo in the Western Conference, if not the entire NBA."

Star forward Carlos Boozer chimed in about the Dan, stating, "I mean, this is powerful stuff. These boys recorded Aja. That's heavy." When asked about Becker and Fagen's basketball prowess, Boozer responsed, "As long as they are feeding me the rock with the same smooth stylings and detail-orientated perfection they exhibit in the studio, we right as rain, dawg. Right as rain. Scoring is like a cocaine habit for them. They do it. And then they go back jack and do it again. I mean, reelin' in the points. Damn, they be back to their old school!"

The notoriously reclusive Steely Dan combo refused to comment, but their management did publish the following statement:

"Both Donald and Walter are ecstatic to join a club so dedicated to winning. We all know how the Dan loves to take care of business. Any major dude will tell you."

Peyton Manning Accidentially does NRA Commercial

Picture from NRA Commercial: Manning 'bout to cap some fools

Peyton Manning's publicist is issuing a public apology for the December 23rd airing of a National Rifle Association (NRA) commercial starring Manning during the Colts-Texans football game.

The apology reads as follows:

"Peyton Manning would like to issue his deepest apology for participating in the commercial that aired during last Sunday's game. Mr. Manning is not, and has never been associated, with this organization in said commercial. In fact, Mr. Manning does not own a gun. His appearance was accidental, and occurred sometime during the filming of 25 commercials in a row on November 4th. Peyton is very embarassed by the mix-up and hopes his appearance does not tarnish the image of himself, his family, the Indianapolis Colts, the city of Indianapolis, Sprint, MasterCard, NFLshop, ESPN SportsCenter, Raymond's Stop N Shop, DirectTV, Sony, Gatorade, or X-Box's NFL Fever."

The commercial features Manning gunning down increasing threatening targets: first a bunny rabbit, then a bear, then a purse snatcher, and finally a blitzing Patriot linebacker. The commercial ends with Manning facing the camera and saying , "Sure, you can take my gun...from my cold dead superstar hands. I am Peyton Manning, quarterback and proud member of the NRA."

Charleston Heston also makes a CGI-ed cameo appearance in the advertisement as a the shotgun-packing fullback protecting Manning blindside.

This mishap is particularly detrimental as Manning is still reeling from the scandal about his participation as a keynote speaker in the 2006 Japanese Whaling Industry (JWI) convention in Kyoto.

NCAA Announces New Bowl Game

The home office of the National Collegiate Athletics Association officially announced that the first-ever Cialis Erectile Functionality Bowl will take place in Paducah, KY on December 21st, 2008. After a long battle for a rare institution of a new bowl game, the drug company Eli Lilly was granted permission to sponsor a bowl game yesterday.

"This is going to be huge," said VP of Public Relations Richard Cochran. "Cialis is pleased to sponsor the 2008 Erectile Functionality Bowl, and we vow to erect and maintain one of the finest bowl game presentations for the long-lasting pleasure of our audience. However, you should call your doctor if the bowl game lasts for more than four hours. Ha ha, just joking".

The bowl game will host the 5th place team from the Big Sky Conference against an independent school that is not eligible for a more prestigious bowl game. "Notre Dame's limp performance this year, make them a perfect a candidate for next year's Erectile Functionality Bowl", says Cochran. "Hee. That's another joke."

The NCAA also announced that following bowl games were rejected for the 2008 season, but are eligible for reapplication in 2009:

Matthew Shepard Fund Bowl (Cheyenne, WY)
Monistat Soothing Relief Bowl (Newark, NJ)
ENRON Integrity Bowl (Houston, TX)
PETA Clubbed Seal Bowl (Portland, OR)
Valtrex Oozing Pustule Bowl (Duluth, MN)

Breaking News: Philip Rivers is a Douchebag

LT: "Come back after you've acquainted yourself with Listerine, dog."

Common Potential has received a tip that confirms what most of the sporting public had already speculated - Philip Rivers is indeed a douchebag. After Monday night's throttling of the hapless Denver Broncos, CP received a phone call from a San Diego teammate confirming suspicions of high levels of douchebaggedness.

The player who wished only to be identified as "LT21" stated nobody really liked Rivers because he makes everyone uncomfortable by being such a "giant-sized prick". The player listed some of the offenses which including Rivers standing too close to other players in the shower, having terrible breath, having trouble pronouncing simple words, requesting high-fives frequently and inappropriately, playing Cher's "Believe" in the locker room at ear-shatter volume, chewing with his mouth open, and only tipping waitresses between 5-10%. "LT21" also stated that he hopes for a first round loss in the playoffs so that he won't have to deal with the gropes and racist jokes that Rivers loves to dish out until next summer.

Further CP research has revealed that incidents of douchebaggery from Rivers have begun to spill onto the playing field. Oakland Raiders defensive tackle Warren Sapp reported that, "The bitch never stops talking! Never! And he talks the lamest white boy smack you've ever heard, too. This is the kind of guy who can be down by three touchdowns in the fourth quarter, spike the ball to stop the clock, and be like, 'Oh, I just spiked that ball in yo momma's face, Sapp!' What the fuck is that?"

All NFL, players, coaches, media insiders, and waterboys interviewed for this story agreed that the most annoying thing about Rivers is his head, which, according to consensus, looks a jack-o-lantern would after an intense regimen of botox injections.

We will keep you updated as this story develops.

HACKER TIME! Mike Vick

Mike Vick is not so sure about his new cellmates.

Welcome to Common Potential's Hacker Time! where we use the world wide internet to hack into your favorite celebrities computer and bring you all the information that you care to know.
This week's target is Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick.

You may have heard about some recent legal woes he has been having. But he seems to be taking it stride. We were able to recover a virtual diary entry with a to-do list and a couple MP3 playlist from his prison-issued PDA. Enjoy this unique insight into a criminal mastermind's mind.

Dec. 13, 2007

Yo Diary,

It's Ron Mexico hollering out from the V-state penn. Prison is da shit. I gots all sorts of free time and no one be buggin' about them dawgs neither. I is the man wit da boyz an' be signing all sorts o' John Hancocks and shit. After I get done wit da laundry, I be having all kinds of stuff to do. I'd done wrote down bigass plans for today.

1. Send Christmas cards DeAngelo Hall, Roddy White, Chris Houston, Alge Crumpler, and Joe Horn. But not fucking Roger "Shithead" Goddell.
2. Scout da Virginia State Penitentiary Intramural League.
3. Learn to enjoy anal rape (mostly taking it).
4. Call Jay-z and Bob Dylan, we need to be working on protest-rap remix of "Who Let the Dogs Out". For real.
5. Get me a new hobby, building model airplanes might be fun. Or a starting cockroach fighting/gambling ring. Don't tell anyone.
6. Watch the Falcons crumble on da TV. Laugh my ass off.

Check it, gotta run. It's outside time. Word.

Mike"Inmate 6750" Vick

Michael Vick's playlist entitled "PETA shit"

1. Hellhound On My Trail - Robert Johnson
2. Underdog - Dirtbombs
3. I Wanna Be Your Dog - Stooges
4. Walking the Dog - Rufus Thomas
5. Dog on the Sidewalk - Deerhoof
6. I Love My Dog - Cat Stevens
7. Puppy Love - Paul Anka
8.I Lost My Dog - Fiery Furnaces
9. Dog Eat Dog - Fela Kuti

Mix "First Night in Da Penn"

1. Breakin' The Law - Judas Priest
2. I Fought the Law - Clash
3. In the Jailhouse Now - Soggy Bottom Boys
4. Jailhouse Rock -Elvis Presley
5. Care of Cell 44 - Zombies
6. Jailbreak - Thin Lizzy
7. If I Only Had A Brain -The Scarecrow